Wednesday, February 4, 2015

Sunny with no chance of children

as the second part of my ongoing aggressive proactive attack on the cancer that has attacked me, I got my ovaries and fallopian tubes removed. First of all, it has been like my fourth surgery and it really does not bother me other than it takes a lot of time and I have to repeat my birthday and name like 487 times at the doctor which is a giant test of strength. It went well, I got full color photos of all of my inner organs which were all pretty in pink, and I returned home that day with nothing more than 3 bandages on 3 spots on my abdomen. Holy shit, technology is really something. I mean if I would've went through this like even 5 years ago I think I would have been splayed open, all "Game of Thrones" style from belly down. I had some cramping and bloating and I went home with a new prescription of Percocet.

It was kind of weird though, I never really seriously considered having kids of my own. I mean I did but I didn't. I thought I would make a kickass mother but I have yet to find that sperm donor that I could jive with. I spend a lot of time with kids and I have a thing with them. I cannot explain it but if you saw it in action you would be impressed. It does not happen immediately with all kids and with some it takes a minute but then it happens and they are hooked.

After having this surgery, besides the fact that I am 41 and have no prospects of love even on the far reaches of the horizon, I was sad. It is so definite. I don't like absolutes, I like wiggle room and grey areas. This was harder than I thought it was going to be. I am the crazy aunt, the funny friend, and the awesome teacher.  Was I honestly ever considering pushing an actual baby out of my body? I don't know and I guess I will never know.  At this point it is just the afterthought of not  having a choice and wondering about it.
It is interesting though as now I am tits deep in menopause (I don't feel any different), I am acutely aware of my friends with their kids; their interactions, relationships, the love and frustration, all of it. I think of the relationship I had with my dad, and the one I have with my mom. I talk to my girlfriends on the phone about their kids. I think it is amazing how insightful I can be about kids, motherhood, and all this shit even though these are things I dare not have an opinion on. Afterall, I only have a dog, I consider her my kid, but I would never say that to my parent friends.

The standards that "we" or "society" put on moms is almost as fucked up as the standards we put on women in general. Gotta look perfect, gotta act perfect, gotta talk perfect. Moms? I think they might actually have it worse right now. Everyone is telling them what their child is supposed to act like, at what level they are supposed to function at and that it is all something that is wonderful all the time and will come naturally to any "real" mother. We are shown extreme cases of "bad moms" like that chubby little girl on the reality series, what is her name again? The mom that serves her kids cheese puffs and soda pop for breakfast? Oh yeah, Honey Boo Boo. Jesus, help us all, that woman is a mother and her kids will inevitably be mothers too, probably as teenagers.

I think when moms in reality see shit like that they over compensate and think that anything even close to junk food will ruin their kids. They get bombarded by what is absoulty WRONG and HORRIBLE to do to your kids, they hear that any sort of discipline is mean and will wreck their kids. I mean it goes on and on. I talk to these lovely, smart, sensible, kind, generous, nurturing, and wonderful women telling me how hard it is. How thankless and exhausting, and how after all of it, they still wonder if they are doing a good job.

Wow, I think. I wonder if any of them have watched that documentary about babies where the mom in Mongolia leaves her baby tethered in the house while she goes out and gets the work done. The baby lives, and thrives, I think they may have left the dog in charge. I understand that in our world people would go to jail for that sort of thing but the bottom line is is that kids are hard to ruin, they really just need a good daily dose of love and all the rest is survival. Is everything they eat organic? How about some of it. Is everything they put in their mouth sanitized, c'mon! Is every emotion shown in their presence in control and laid out according to Dr. Spock? Nah, screw that.

Ladies, breathe. Then cut yourselves some fucking slack. Take it from a gal that missed that boat, you are doing an amazing job, you are strong and resilient and impressive and amazing to watch. Give them cheese balls every once in a while, get a babysitter and go get drunk and dance yer face off. Your standards are too damn high, your kids are going to be fine and if anything they should eat more dirt, fall down more and talk to a few strangers, chill out. If your kid is fed and sorta dressed and decently clean the rest is extra expectations of being a "perfect mom" and it will really truly kill you. You know that if you did suck at it I would be the first to tell you, I got opinions for days.

Everything happens for a reason and I am a happy person, I do not regret any of my decisions, well a few but mostly involving too many shots after midnight. I am going to be that cool adult that yer kids love and that is going to be enough.


  1. Mary - Im going to send my girls with you for a night! Then maybe they'll understand I'm not trying to "kill" them ;-) keep givin' 'er hell Strong Lady!!

  2. Seriously the best writing on parenting I've ever read. Cheers & bourbon to you, MB!

  3. What a wonderful piece! You are indeed a writer.

  4. Love your honesty Mary :) I bet you are the most awesome auntie ever!

  5. This is beautiful, thank you. I'm encouraged by your strength at taking life as it comes and forwarding that experience to uplift others.

  6. You are an awesome lady, I wish my ex was like you.

  7. You are an awesome lady, I wish my ex was like you.

  8. I just heard you roar loud and clear. That was awesome and right on the mark. You are inspiring! Thank you:)

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  10. MilbrathFebruary 4, 2015 at 8:07 PM
    I'm not certain your remember me, but I always remember you. The impression you made on me at age16, (binding your head at the magazine factory with my sister), it stuck! You love life, and you are good at it! Keep loving your art and your body! Thank you for this, I'm a new mom of two boys and constantly made to believe I'm failing them, however, I'm not! I love them, they love me, that's enough!

  11. Making decisions that are final, no-turning-back, is a tough job. Your instincts for survival and for living life to the fullest are serving you well. I made the same decision thirty years ago, and processed the consequences over and over and over again until it all finally settled. Sometimes these things take a while.
    You are a blessing to all those you meet, and your insights are good ones to share and for us to read. Thank you for your honesty and for your vulnerability. It's in that place of vulnerability that we can receive the most love - really receive it - and it's obvious that you are greatly loved.
    Keep up your living. Love your dog-kid and don't feel funny about that - people with kids get the deal of people with dogs. Continue to fiercely love yourself and your friends as you always do.
    And, continued peace as you travel this journey. You're doing a great job; you're alive, living, real. Refreshing. Love all of that about you.